I'm Letting You Go
by linda31
Summary: Is it selfish of me that I want you by my side even if it hurts you? Is it wrong of me that I'm happy when I learn that you still care for me even if others get hurt in the process? Please tell me...


I'm Letting You Go

by Linda

Unbeta-ed. I'm sorry for any mistakes.

Genre: Anguish, Romance

Paring: 8027

Warning: Yaoi, Tsuna's POV

I do not own katekyo hitman reborn.

I knock on your office door waiting for a familiar voice from inside to let me in. When you do, I quickly change my expression to a cheerful one and go inside.

"Yo Tsuna! What's up?" you ask when you see me come in.

"Nothing much. I just have some free time on my hand. So I though I could visit you," I lie effortlessly. Since I have accepted the role of decimo, lying has became an easy thing for me.

Actually, I want to see you. That's why I come. I want to tell you that, but I will never be able to for I don't want to break this friendship I have with you now. I can be content with this relationship I have with you, with seeing you happy, and with being your friend.

"So, how is everything going for you?" you ask me as you stand up from your work chair and come to join me on the coach for visitors.

"Reborn has been stricter with me lately. He won't even allow me to go out alone anymore. Other than that, everything is fine."

After the inflection to the rival family had failed and they captured me, Reborn have been putting enough security around me to suffocate me. I don't know what happened to all of you or what you all had to do to get me out of there although I know it was my own recklessness that I got caught, but I don't regret it. Even when I saw your and the others' worried and sad faces that came to rescue me from the enemy base, I'm still happy to find out that you were there and you still care for me. I feel guilty to be that way; being happy when everyone is worried sick about me. I feel like I make others suffer to find my own happiness. Tell me Yamamoto, is it so wrong?

I know I'm being selfish but I'm allowed that much happiness, aren't I? I accepted to be a decimo although I hated it, hated mafia, hated hurting others, and hated killing. I accepted you to be my guardian even when I had to watch you fall apart when your lover died because of mafia. I accepted that I can't have have happiness or love, much less you as my lover. So, I'm at least allow to be happy to know that you still care for me even after your precious person died because of me. Right?

I have suffered enough since before. From the time you first announced that you and Kyoko were lovers. My heart had been broken a thousand times over whenever I had to see you two together. I had wanted to pull you aside and tell you how much I needed you and love you. I wanted to tell you to look at me and that I would do anything for you. Also, the bitter jealousy that I felt toward my friend, Kyoko, also built up the guilt inside me. It was such a turmoil inside me: love, hurt and jealousy harboring inside me felt like they just took out my heart and step on it until it became millions of pieces. Will it ever fix again in this torturous life? Tell me...

Then, when she died, the guilt inside me just grew stronger, heavier. And when I had to see you suffer so much, I though I would die with all those raw emotions coming toward me; guilt, anger, hurt. You wouldn't know how much I wanted to held you, say to you that you still have me and most of all, I wanted to ease your pain. I couldn't bare it, all those emotions weighing down on me. I even thought about killing myself to hopefully escape those sufferings, but life wouldn't let me under Reborn's watchful eyes. Even if I have enough suffering to want to kill myself, I had wished and still do that I could take away the sadness from you. I want to help you through it, even if it's just a little to make your life a bit brighter.

"The kid is just worried about you," I hear you say to me

"But I'm not a child. I can take care of myself just fine," I reply and add a huff to cover what i'm feeling right now.

"He knows... We know. But it doesn't change the fact that we are worried." You are making that face again. You looks like you are in pain, but you can't do anything to change it or make it better. And you looks so sad.

Seeing you like that pierces me and tares my heart into two. I thought my heart had already died to feel anything and it was already crushed until it turned into dust. But apparently I am wrong. My hollow chest still hurts so much to see you with that kind of face, but on the other hand, I'm happy that I am the one who cause you to have have such a face. Do you hate me for it?

I get up from where I am sitting beside you and walk around the table you had been sitting on before I came in because I don't want to see that expression on your face.

I could tell that you have been busy looking at all the paper scattered across your table. Among those paper, a photo frame stands proudly on the corner of your table. It is a picture of you and a girl that I have never seen before.

Is it your new girlfriend? I so want to ask but I'm afraid of your answer. So, I stay quiet and just grab that photo to take a closer look.

It is a girl with long brown hair and brown eyes. She is pretty just like her, your first girlfriend. The one you so dearly love and the one who is killed because of me.

Suddenly, you take the photo from my hand. I didn't even realize that you have walked toward me.

"It's my new girlfriend," you explain to me with an unreadable expression.

"Oh... what happened to the old one?" I ask numbly. I already know that but it still hurts so much to hear you say it.

If it had been old you, you would have grinned at me sheepishly and told me that it didn't just work out.

Instead you just say, "She wanted to break up and I said okay" with your expression unchanging. Where is your smile? Your laughter? Your cheerful optimism?

It hurts, Yamamoto; hurts so much to see you like that. Is it because of me that you become like this? Because I want you by side that you are hurt this much?

I'm sorry, Yamamoto. I'm really sorry. Forgive me for being selfish, for wanting you by my side, for not being able to let you go.

"oh..." that's all I could say. I don't know how to cheer you up or how to make you happy. I don't think I'm capable of making you happy because I know. I know that the only one who can make you happy is Kyoko, your first true love. You love her so much and after she died, you were broken. Then you try to find girls after girls that look like her; brown hair and brown eyes. I had watched you suffered during those time without being able to help you. Do you know how much it hurt me to see you like that?

I want you to be happy too. I want to be able to bring you happiness too. But what can I do for you? I only make your life miserable. But I could promise you one thing, that I will always love you no matter when, where or what, and I will always be there for you. Apart from that, what can I do for you? Tell me Yamamoto... If it is for you, I'll do anything.

"Don't worry about it Tsuna," you say to me as you put the photo back on the table.

"Hmm... I need to go now, Yamamoto. Reborn might be looking for me," I say suddenly and quickly left your room. I don't want you to see me now for the tears are rolling down from my eyes uncontrollably like water falling through the broken dam. I can't let you see this and I can't let you feel anymore pain. I will bare all this suffering alone. If I can make your life even a bit easier, I will bare all the things the hush world has to thrown my way.

Still in my heart, I wish for the old times when you would comfort me and tell me that everything will be alright. Please Yamamoto... tell me those words again.

* * *

><p>Back in Yamamoto's office<p>

Yamamoto watches as Tsuna leaves his office. He knows that Tsuna is sad and that he needs someone to be by his side. But what can he do? He has lost his cheerfulness and soothing effects of his rain flame are long gone.

Yamamoto just pull up the tie he is wearing and kisses the pin he has on his tie, sadness apparent in his eyes. It is a present from Tsuna along time ago.

"I'm sorry, Tsuna. I wish I were stronger. I wish I were brave enough to tell you how I really feel."


End file.
